The Self-Love Book Club Reads The Big Leap.

The Self-Love Book Club Reads The Big Leap.The Big Leap: Conquer Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level is one of those books that had me exclaiming “yes!” throughout each and every chapter. Written by Gay Hendericks, this is a book about recognising and overcoming your upper limit problem so that you can happily live with more abundance, success, and joy in your life.

He explains the upper limit problem as a sort of default setting that we are all programmed with at a young age. It’s the maximum amount of good feelings we think we’re capable or “allowed” to experience. When we go past this threshold by entering a really wonderful relationship, attaining great success in our career, or becoming happier for any other reason, we drag ourselves back down with self-sabotage or limiting beliefs. Of course we do this so subtly that we don’t realize it’s us that creates this cycle of misery. Our upper limit problem becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and we might adopt a “why does this always happen to me?” attitude. But by recognising our upper limit problem and refusing to buy into it anymore, we can enter what Hendericks calls our “zone of genius” and reach our true potential in every area of our life.

This book is full of useful exercises, ideas, and a great affirmation to help you dismantle your upper limit program and I highly recommend reading it for yourself. Here are a few of my biggest take aways:

  • Worry, fear, and sadness is often our reaction to some sort of positive experience or breakthrough trying to shine through. Pausing and allowing ourself to locate this positive feeling in our body nurtures it so that it can grow and spread.
  • Humans generally shift between two relationships with time: believing that there’s never enough and that the minutes are always racing by or being bored, so that every second seems to drag on forever. But when we recognise the power our mindset has over time (or at least our perception of time), we can also recognise that we always have enough, so that time seems to shrink or expand to exactly what we need.
  • Being in a relationship will constantly challenge our upper limit program as it pushes us to expand our capacity to love and be loved. Usually we resist this challenge and find ways to push our partners away or sabotage the relationship. But if we remain constantly open to learning through both the ups and downs of our relationship, we’re able to be truly intimate with one another and work through the upper limit problem together.

Hendericks has a PhD in psychology, so he takes a very pragmatic approach to his subject matter and offers practical way to implement what he’s teaching, which I think will appeal to people who are put off by self-help woo woo. However, there is also a spiritual and metaphysical component to his writing as well, especially when it comes to thinking about time differently. Don’t let this dissuade you from reading it as there’s a lot of substance under everything he says and I feel certain that anyone could get a lot of insight from this book.

The Big Leap is one of my favourite books we’ve read through The Self-Love Book Club and I think it is an essential read for anyone who is looking for more in their career, in love, or in any other area of their life.

Have you read The Big Leap? I’d love to hear what you thought!


Don’t Let Someone Else Create the Yard Stick for Your Life.

Lilly Crider for Tom Tailor Denim Campaign (Spring-Summer 2013) photo shootAt some point or another, we’ve all measured our lives against yard sticks we didn’t create. We have internalized ideas about what successful relationships, careers, bodies, lifestyles, and families look like, even though they’re completely irrelevant to our own lives.

Either we’ve decided to forge our own path but haven’t created a yard stick to measure our progress, or we’re chasing someone else’s definition of success and constantly falling short.

Both are surefire ways to make ourselves miserable. We’ll wind up constantly comparing ourselves to other people or feeling confused that we never feel good about getting the things we’ve been chasing for so long.

Your definition of success will depend on your values, the lifestyle you want, and the goals you set for yourself.

(Shameless plug: the Define Your Dreams workbook will help you get hella clear on those things. I’ve created an extensive exercise in my upcoming ebook that walks you through creating your own yardstick but getting a clear vision for yourself is the most fundamental step.)

Once you start trying on your own definitions of success, it’s a whole lot easier to throw out the ones that don’t fit you. Here are a few powerful mindset shifts that will help you start using your own yard stick:

Enjoy the journey. If you’ve constantly got your nose to the ground chasing the next shiny penny you’re missing your entire life. While there are totally times to put your head down and do the work, no dream is worth constant misery. Find ways to make the journey enjoyable and if that’s utterly impossible, it might be a good idea to go back to your yardstick and figure out whether this dream is really a good fit.

Accept where you’re at. Longing to be somewhere else is pointless. Taking consistent action towards where you want to go is powerful but stop beating yourself up for not being there yet. Remind yourself that the journey is part of your story and it’s all shaping who you are. Learning to be okay with where you’re at (and even love it!) is what will get you out of the comparison trap and allow you to fully step into your own life.

Good for her! Not for me” is a real gem from Amy Poheler. We get to want whatever we want but we don’t have to want “it all.” Sometimes it’s easy to get sucked in by the shiny allure of other people’s success and this phrase is an easy way to snap us back to looking at our own yard stick, without diminishing how great those things are for someone else.

Next time you find yourself feeling like an utter failure, ask yourself: are you measuring yourself against your yard stick or someone else’s? Take a moment to revisit your goals (I like to reread mine every morning) and decide on a small action that will bring you into better alignment with your own definition of success. Everything else is good for her, but not for me.

Love, neon lights, & dandelion wishes,

Photograph by Billy Rood.

Liberation & Love in London.

urban-retreat2Hearts bursting open.

Tears flowing.

Dancing wildly.

Connecting deeply.

Nourishing fully.

Expressing freely.

This was the experience of Saturday’s Liberation & Love Urban Retreat. It was truly a deep dive out of the head and into the heart.

And babes, let me tell you, it was transformative.

urban-retreat1Jayne had just came back from two months in Costa Rica and was able to share so many lessons, remedies, and rituals that she’d learned during her travels. It was an intimate, exclusive event, which allowed us to go so much further with this work than ever before.

There were raw cacao elixirs. Embracing of the dark of the light. Uninhibited sharing and intimate healing. There were rose petals and grounding foods and homemade chocolate. Laughter and tears and new friendships. There was dancing and yoga and deep, deep relaxation. And of course there was a glittery goodie bag, filled with treats from our wonderful sponsors: Nikki Strange, Sparkle Child London, Indigo Herbs, Ombar Chocolate, Napiers, Teapigs, and Signature Fragrances.

I came away with the a strong understanding that we crave this. We crave time in the circle with other women. We long for open and honest conversations. We want to be together creating deep connections.

Workshops and retreats are a great way to facilitate and create space for this and take things to an intimate place more quickly than in every day life. But it shouldn’t stop there.

urban-retreat3 We need our sisters and we need to create spaces to connect with them. Blogging is a great way to find your tribe and make friends all over the world, but there’s something so important about tangible, face-to-face interactions.

Personally I’ve felt called to organise monthly, lady date brunches with my girl gang and I can’t stop thinking about other ways to bring the circle into my everyday.

Coffee dates. Mastermind groups. Skype calls. Dance parties. Book clubs. Sleepovers.

Regularity and consistency is key. Make it a ritual. Give it a purpose. Keep it fun.

When we allow ourselves to be raw and real with each other, we all heal and expand and grow.

I really hope to see you at one of my future events but if you’re on the other side of the world or it’s just not your cup of tea, reach out to the women in your life. We all want this. Be the one to alight the spark.

Love love,

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